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Friends · 50 items · 3 min read

Easier Friendship

For making and keeping close friends as an adult, when school and office no longer do it for you. Format: easier > harder. Friendship isn't mysterious chemistry. It's mostly hours, proximity and repetition.

Sections
  1. Formulas
  2. Making friends (1–12)
  3. Deepening (13–25)
  4. Keeping (26–38)
  5. Adult life & founder life (39–50)

Formulas#

  • Friendship = time × proximity × repetition. It takes roughly 50 hours to go from acquaintance to casual friend, 90 to friend and 200+ to close friend. (Jeffrey Hall, 2018)
  • Dunbar layers: about 5 intimate, 15 close, 50 good friends, 150 meaningful contacts. Your time is finite, so the layers are too. (Robin Dunbar)
  • Closeness decays without contact. How often you see someone largely sets which layer they stay in.
  • Relationships are the strongest predictor of a long, happy life. (Harvard Study of Adult Development, Robert Waldinger)

Making friends (1–12)#

  1. Repeated contact with the same people (a weekly class, a club, a team) > one-off events full of strangers.
  2. Shared activities (sports, hobbies, volunteering) > "let's get coffee sometime."
  3. Living close to friends > living across the city. Friendship is heavily about distance.
  4. Assuming people like you > assuming they don't. People underestimate how much others like them. (the "liking gap")
  5. Initiating > waiting to be invited. Most people are waiting too.
  6. Following up within a week after a good conversation > letting it fade.
  7. Inviting 2–3 people > a formal party you dread hosting.
  8. Being a regular somewhere (café, gym, co-working space) > always a new face.
  9. Asking questions and remembering answers > talking about yourself.
  10. Friends at different life stages and ages > only people exactly like you.
  11. Friends-of-friends > total strangers. Trust carries over.
  12. Showing up, again and again > being impressive once.

Deepening (13–25)#

  1. Sharing a little vulnerability > only small talk. Closeness grows through gradual self-disclosure. (Arthur Aron, "36 questions")
  2. Doing hard or new things together (trips, projects, challenges) > only dinners.
  3. Helping with real things (moving, hospital visits, a launch) > only fun times.
  4. Asking for help > always being the helper. Being needed bonds people.
  5. One-on-one time > only group settings.
  6. Long, unhurried conversations > quick catch-ups every time.
  7. Remembering what matters to them (a sick parent, a big interview) > generic check-ins.
  8. Celebrating their wins sincerely > quiet envy. How people respond to good news matters as much as bad news. (Shelly Gable)
  9. Honest feedback, kindly > flattery.
  10. Keeping their secrets > gossip. Trust is the whole thing.
  11. Laughing together > always being serious.
  12. Meeting their family and friends > keeping them in one box.
  13. Being the same person in private and in public > performing.

Keeping (26–38)#

  1. Rituals (a monthly dinner, a yearly trip, a weekly call) > "we should catch up."
  2. Putting friends on the calendar > fitting them in when free. You're never free.
  3. Short, frequent contact (a voice note, a photo, a link) > rare long letters.
  4. Remembering birthdays (with a calendar) > trusting memory.
  5. Reaching out first after silence > waiting for them.
  6. Visiting when a friend moves away > letting distance end it.
  7. Forgiving small slights > keeping score.
  8. Repairing after a fight > letting it quietly end the friendship.
  9. Accepting friendships change with seasons > expecting them to stay the same forever.
  10. Letting go of draining friendships gently > enduring them out of guilt.
  11. Keeping old friends while adding new ones > replacing people every chapter.
  12. Hosting at home > always meeting at restaurants. Homes build closeness.
  13. Being reliable (showing up when you said) > being fun but flaky.

Adult life & founder life (39–50)#

  1. A few deep friends > many shallow contacts.
  2. Friends outside your industry > only people who talk business.
  3. Friends who knew you before success > only friends who came with it.
  4. Protecting friendship time during busy seasons > "after the launch."
  5. Combining friends with things you already do (training, walks, errands) > separate "friend time" that never happens.
  6. Joining a club, league or group with a schedule > relying on spontaneous plans.
  7. Being the organizer > waiting for an organizer.
  8. Phone or video calls with distant friends > only likes on social media.
  9. Spending money on shared experiences > on things.
  10. Friends who make you better (healthier, braver, kinder) > friends who keep you stuck.
  11. Being the friend you want to have > hunting for the perfect friend.
  12. Investing now, while there are weeks left > assuming old friends will always be there.

If you keep only 5: #1 (repeated contact), #5 (initiate), #13 (a little vulnerability), #26 (rituals), #27 (friends on the calendar).